How much longer?

3 dogs for 2 weeks so far. Husband working 6 long days a week and that leaves me meeting the needs of various kids on my own. I take pride in keeping my shit together despite the odds, and it’s rare that I drop the ball or order take out food. I don’t know for how much longer I can grin and bear it. I guess as long as it takes? How long are we talking about here?

What I haven’t explained here so far is my chronic depression. It will never go away no matter what I do, although I’m well-medicated and I feel like I’m doing ok. You have no idea how great I feel being able to say I’m doing ok on a regular basis. No highs and lows, no crawling into my shell and hoping my problems go away.

Most of my acquaintances and some of my friends are absolutely floored when I tell them I am clinically chronically depressed. I’m a very good actress? People are generally unobservant. If they weren’t, horror movies would be completely unbelievable.

Sure, I’ve gone the med-free route. Tried exercising my clouds away. Or ignoring the clouds or justifying that everyone has clouds of their own, sound weren’t all that special. I’m not going to describe how that turned out.

I was in therapy for a couple of years and at the end of that time I split from my first husband. I finally understood myself and what would make me happy, and I realised it was never going to happen in that scenario. I have never been able to explain adequately to him why I needed out. I’m sure he still thinks it was a fickle decision on my part, I made a rash decision to leave, and that I’m generally a quitter.

I thought I would never get married again because I just wasn’t the marrying kind. I believed it even after I met and started dating my second husband. For years I still figured I’d keep dating him into perpetuity. After all, I had 2 children, a career, and a house. What did I need to get married for?

My husband makes marriage easy. That just about says it all. He is strong, soft, supportive, understanding and smart. He loves my children as if they were his. He puts up with my dog collection with little complaint. My parents like him and he them. Take a moment and let that sink in: he gets along with my tribe. My people.

It’s seldom that husband and I argue. We are very much alike and conflict rarely arises. I never thought I would enjoy being married. I’m glad I was wrong.