After a couple of weeks of blogging I realise this writing is for myself, and reading is for family and friends. It’s true the text here contains thoughts likely not expressed over a drink or a coffee, and certainly not on Facebook. This is my stage on which I can put anything I want.
Given all that freedom, my mind becomes a bit unorganised. My mother could tell you, when I have a goal in mind there is no way to get me off track. Actually husband could attest to that too.
My midgets think I’m so damned organised. Ha ha, fooled ’em!
Today I rode my bike to work. Our old car (Bessie) had become less reliable and I am attempting to get used to not having a car, since I fear she will soon be gone. Our latest car episode is the car wouldn’t start last Saturday. It might have been Friday, I really couldn’t say or sure. Aaaaanyway, it appeared to be dead. Just like my old dog Loki used to look when I got home from work. She laid there motionless, eyes open and not blinking, until I screamed her name a few times. Then she blinked and I sighed from relief. She died nearly 2 years ago and as I’m typing this I have tears for her. She represented much more than she was. My first husband and I bought her when we were living together, and she lived nearly 15 years: career launching, wedding, house (aka money pit), baby, learning how to be a working mom, another baby, then separation and divorce. My ex and I shared custody of her until the end. Both of us loved her as a bonafide member of our family.
Even if a marriage ends, that doesn’t mean you are no longer a family, nor does it mean your marriage was a failure. Our marriage served some very important purposes. It forced us to grow up and understand what a partnership really entails; we produced 2 lovely children; and personally I needed to get what I wanted (a marriage to a domineering man) to see that his type would never equal, for me, everyday happiness. If I hadn’t married him, I would have married another man just like him, of this I’m sure. So, my first marriage taught me a lot about myself and what I want my life to look like. I’m only sorry about causing hurt and pain to my first husband, his family and our children.
A few months ago I was reading through old emails with the thought that I could turn that into a book. First of all, what a quaint idea. Secondly, reading those emails from the time I separated from first husband churned up an incredible amount of pain. So I put them away for now. I’m not sure I need to read them again.
I was taking about my car, right? We had her towed to our trusted mechanic. He worked on her and declared her wiring to be shorting out and causing problems with the auto transmission, among other things. $350 later and we were back on the road. Husband drove me to work and on our way there we stopped for coffee. Bessie didn’t like this one bit and refused to start again. Another call to our auto club and another tow back to the garage. Mechanic now thinks it’s the starter acting up. Another $295 later and the starter is fixed.
Bessie is a 1997, and she has served us well. But the next time we have a breakdown we are not going to fix her. I don’t want to think about getting rid of her. She is the last last last vestige of my previous life. I guess that’s why I was thinking about Loki today. Bessie is not just a car. She has transported me to places all over the province and I to the states for a very long time.
We are looking into alternatives to owning a car. Before any of you freak out, read my reasoning. We live in a very walk able neighborhood: kids walk to and from school; groceries and other essentials are a 10-15 minute walk from our house; husband and I both work in the city, in which we have various public trans options. And I have my amazing bicycle. It was given to me as a mother’s day present years ago and I love riding it.
For the times we need a car, I’m looking at zip car. There are various plans available. And for longer trips we can rent a car for a weekend. All of this is still waaaaaaay cheaper than having a car of our own! And think of the self-righteous bragging I can do about being car-less!
The kids seem all for it, yes even after I explained the practicalities of not having our own car. There are taxis when needed and bicycles and push scooters and our own feet. Husband an I have agreed that the next repair that costs more than $100 means the end of Bessie. I’m a little sad about it honestly, but of course this day was preordained anyway.