Ambition, blond or otherwise

I have to confess something: I found out my grade on the itil course last Friday. I failed the exam. I was shocked and then sad and then angry with myself. I had walked away thinking I had done fine, def passed. Turns out I was a rock star on all sections but one, in which I scored very low.

So I let my manager know this bad news. Because of my career ambitions I do need to pass this course. And I do have to have itil expert as a long term goal. So I have to decide whether to rewrite or forget the whole thing. I know what everyone is thinking: rewrite, you idiot.

I have been a technical writer for all of my adult career so far. My new role at the company is ambiguous to say the least, and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. Actually I’m sure that I’m not, most days.

So what do I want to do next? I’m on Linked in, and I would say the majority of my friends have moved up the corporate ladder to become managers, directors, entrepreneurs or otherwise impressive job titles. The men are more accomplished than the women for sure. This success likely stems from NOT being derailed or delayed in one’s career by motherhood. Like I’ve said before, men go right back to work after the baby is born and nearly never feel conflicted or torn up about it.

Women, by biological necessity, bear the children and are the primary nurturers for at least the first few months. Well you probably know that being preggo isn’t a cake walk (Where did that expression come from? Must google.), and so months before the blessed event, a woman’s energy and mind is elsewhere even if she works right up until the due date. I’ve gone through it and watched many friends and colleagues go through it, and although that is a decidedly unscientific observation I still stand by it.

So here I am having achieved success in my long ago chosen career and I’m wondering if that’s enough for me to stick with it for another 20 years or so. I feel nervous when I think of the changes and therefore uncertainty my career will have to endure in the coming years. And I worry my skill set will become obsolete. And of course there are days when I feel like a square peg in the proverbial round hole, wondering if there is a better job for my personality and personal values.

This year boy midget is getting glasses and braces ($) and as my children get older their hobbies get more expensive as well. I worry about being able to maintain our current level of leisure travel and activities. Am I being impractical to take them travelling all over the world? Or is that my way of raising them “properly”?

As I age I also see my physical limitations growing. This scares me and might even scare me into a gym on a regular basis. So cliche to think of that at this time of year. I’ve been thinking about this for months but don’t know how to start. My sched is pretty much set in stone and I already feel stretched to my max in terms of weekly commitments. So this is another big issue I have to tackle. I can’t walk the dogs as vigorously as I would like due to my stupid left foot and its plantar fasciitis. I try to ignore the pain and take pain relievers so I can keep going but it’s just not practical. The pain becomes ridiculous fairly quickly.

I find myself at an impasse with my body and no amount of googling provides me the answers I seek. I have always in the past been able to read myself out of a problem. You know what I mean? I’m a reader. I find solutions on my own for the most part. But these life issues I’m facing now are not solvable by me alone.