Wow my readership has really increased

Thank you all for reading my posts.

I am but a small part of some people’s lives no matter how much I try to be more. I cannot force someone to be genuine and honest with me, nor would I try. That’s never been my style.

I know some children grow up and away from their parents, and I really hope that doesn’t happen with mine. Certainly I hope they continue to have a close, honest relationship with all of their parents.

Tomorrow when husband moves into his new retail space, my midgets are coming along to help and show their support. Husband is the worst at packing and moving. He nearly has panic attacks in the midst of all of the boxes. I think it’s important that, for all the things husband and I do for our midgets, we are in their thoughts as well.

Peace

When I attended university I lived on campus in residence for 1 term in my second year. I had such a great time that my grades torpedoed to lows I hadn’t ever seen before. I was having such a jolly old time that I didn’t even care! Ha ha.

Our quad was the East Quad, and I lived on the second of 3 floors. One of the women I lived with had t-shirts made up that said Peace in the Middle East. There was quite a bit of turmoil in the actual middle eastern part of the world at the time, so these shirts were a way to lighten the mood. I was so serious about world issues then; I had a lot of time on my hands to care about this sort of thing.

Navel-gazing is a popular pursuit in high school and university. I think this activity is a necessary part of growing up. We go from thinking we are the centre of the universe, to thinking our place might not be the centre but our voices and opinions are highly important. Eventually we experience the huge shift to adulthood and our voices get a little softer because we now realize everyone around us has dealt with varying degrees of ‘serious shit,’ same as we have, on their way to this phase of life. We find out we don’t know everything, and we experience a small inkling of hmmmm, experience is a great teacher. Our lines become softer, our blacks become grays and the whites are a nice shade of ecru. There are now exceptions we are willing to make, understanding we are willing to give others that we never thought we would have given. There’s not much anyone can do to speed up this process for others.

Yesterday!

Yesterday was a very productive day around our house. Due to a technician spending the whole afternoon working on our furnace, we FINALLY have a warm house! He installed a humidifier too, so maybe we can avoid the ashy winter skin that plagues us each year?

I used my time at home with the furnace guy to clean, scrub, organize, and rearrange. It was all long overdue and yesterday I finally felt in the mood to tackle our mess.

I even created a vegan meal for Husband and I, one that he actually loved. It’s a mixture of edamame, mandarin oranges, red pepper, soy sauce, olive oil, and red pepper flakes, brought to a boil on the stove and simmered for about 10 minutes. Sweet and spicy, tastes great on rice or on its own. The midgets would have hated it but they didn’t have dinner at our house last night so at least I didn’t have to face that rejection yesterday.

Some day, in about 10 years, all of our midgets will be on their own. Husband and I will still have each other and I look forward to that. He and I are great friends. From the moment we met, we laughed together and bared our souls. We have helped each other through various family and financial crises and will continue to weather these storms together. I’m proud of our honest relationship and that during times of stress we support each other instead of turning on each other as I have seen other couples do. He’s a keeper.

Happy New Year!

There is Nothing

Husband and I are married because he finally trusted me enough to tell me everything about himself and his past. To get married otherwise, knowing what I do about marriage (admittedly I still have things to learn about it), would have been a terrible idea.

Nothing comes from Nothing;
Nothing ever could;
Somewhere in my youth or childhood;
I must have done something good.

Selfish

I have never been called this before. It’s not a word I would use to describe myself. Oblivious? Yes. Naive? Yes. Lack of Foresight? Hell yeah. Add to that Impulsive, Trusting, and Loose-Lipped. Lots of unflattering attributes, as I am a full-grown person who is not perfect. 

Last night I put my very tired girl midget to bed. She was so tired that she was crying. Inconsolable is how I would describe her, although eventually I was able to calm her down through lots of hair stroking and soft murmuring. She was quite wound up. Overall that bedtime took about 25 minutes. I then dragged myself to my own bed and announced my resignation from being a parent.

I feel I have a great situation going for me – consistent part time with my midgets – which leaves me ample private time on my own and with wonderful Husband. I’m fortunate to have a regular break, I really do believe that. I think nuclear families have it rough because nowadays people don’t tend to live close to their families, and so do not have trustworthy people to whom they can ship their kids for overnight visits. Because let’s face it: we can take way more advantage of our families than we can anyone else, even paid help.

I’m quite a loner and prefer to have my midgets with me in the same house but not in the same room, or at least we are each busy with our own activities. Although I have close friends and I talk to them regularly, I still like being on my own for most of the time. I do believe that’s because growing up, I read a lot of books to keep myself occupied, or I played outside in relative quiet, and was often caught daydreaming. In my own little world was I, and this was considered a bad thing at the time. I wasn’t paying attention, that’s true. 

 

It’s an ethos t…

It’s an ethos that creates a pretty fucking sexist paradigm: as a woman, if you’re not nice and supportive at all times, then you’re a “mean girl.” That way of thinking not only infantilizes grown women, but in turn is reductive of their very real issues. Worse still, it genders the situation. The result is that women’s critique of other women is then viewed as petty, bitchy behavior, and ultimately, not as important as what men have to say.

This quote is from an article on Jezebel.com: 

http://jezebel.com/girls-hannah-horvath-is-a-jezebel-commenter-1509896860?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

I watch the show Girls and I see who I was in my mid-twenties, and who I wish I had been. The show is infuriating, nostalgic, inspiring and blazing trails.

A few things

Most of the time I feel like I have a lot going on in my life; I have many plates I cannot let stop spinning. Lately, husband and I have been dealing with some changes.

Husband runs his own business in a leased retail environment, and a few weeks ago his landlord served him notice that landlord wants to take over this retail space for his own business. In one month’s time from that notice being served. This news was quite a blow, since moving a business is a big deal in terms of money, time, and re-establishment. There is also the problem of finding another space nearby that’s affordable. Husband and I looked at many rentals and finally he found the right one. Now the construction at the new place begins, which also costs money and time. During this transition I have been husband’s personal cheerleader. ‘You can do this! We will find you a great space! This move can be a positive event!’ I started believing my own hype, I’m THAT convincing.

Second, you may recall we had planned to sell our house and move to a less expensive one this past summer. That plan fell through with a gigantic thud. Our deposit on the new place that we didn’t end up buying remains in limbo. Instead of waiting for the sword of Damocles to fall and make our decision for us, we instead hired our own lawyer to begin legal proceedings to free up the deposit and move on with our lives. Day in and day out we think about this legal hassle; we will feel much lighter when this is dealt with.

So I have once again come around to accepting my cube farm life. As long as I have writing and editing work to do, I’m actually very happy there. Just last week I tore into an awful document and created a procedural masterpiece! My skills are appreciated at work. This past summer I took an extended vacation away from my job. At the end of it I reluctantly went back to the office, dreading the vague job I had been recently given along with the meaningless title. However, I learned something important: I like going to work. As a concept, I mean. This revelation was more like a profound epiphany; after all I had spent a considerable amount of time thinking up ways to create an income stream that would allow me a lot of free time on weekdays. But now I know I’m going to continue in an office and that’s ok. Better than ok, even. I’m still interested in thinking up business ideas, but I’m no longer a malcontent.

Later this year husband and I are hoping to open a second retail location for his business. That’s still on the table.

On March break this year we are doing a family trip to NYC baby. Husband and I really struggled to figure out how to help the offspring have spending money that will both empower them and not break us. We came up with matching them dollar for dollar on whatever they save up for that trip. I’m proud of this solution. We can help them and they can help themselves. I am working on our itinerary, and teenager is taking charge of 1 day during our trip. I am greatly looking forward to seeing what he comes up with.

Our summer 2014 trip to Ireland and England has to be postponed. Due to us buying a new car that we desperately needed, plus doing repairs (that aren’t finished yet due to snow) on the rental property (that add up to thousands of dollars), I had to postpone. Our consolation prize is NYC I suppose. Nonetheless, I’m looking forward to a terrific week and the midgets took the Europe postponement pretty well, especially when I explained the financial reasons. The airfare alone would cost us 5k and all together the trip was adding up to about 12k. Not doable this year. We weren’t planning a lavish trip, and would be camping for most of our time in Ireland. I got the trip down to the cheapest I felt comfortable with but we just couldn’t do it.

Airline travel is very pricey when flying overseas. Fuel cost is a big part of that price, I know. Still, I wish I could tap into some secret airplane ticket site that would let me find a way to score a great discount. The search continues.

Next summer I don’t know how many midgets would come with us on a 5-week excursion. Certainly boy midget will be working by then, probably as a camp counsellor. Teen will working too, but maybe he could fly and meet us for a week or so? And as for girl midget? Hmmm I really don’t know what to predict with her. As for the oldest 2, they are already bonafide adults with lives and full time jobs. But again, maybe a meet-up could be arranged. However it happens, the trip won’t be the same as it would have been this year, when everyone seems just about the right age. How quickly situations change.

Crazy Mommy

I am sometimes manic, it’s part of my illness. My midgets don’t know this; they are too young to understand and I’ve never explicitly told them what I struggle with. But they notice when I’m hyper and super high strung. They call this my Crazy Mommy mood. I talk quickly, I make suggestions that make more sense for the mind of a 16-yr old on crack, and I even blink more.

I am usually quite productive during a manic phase. I can clean with the speed of a cartoon tasmanian devil, run errands like I’m competing in The Amazing Race, and get office work done like I’m a male character in Mad Men. Why do people (i.e. women) like that show?! But I digress.

The aftermath of a manic episode is nearly devastating. I feel low and my movements are slow. I feel quite sad and even angry sometimes. I usually take to my bed and shut out the world. Husband knows this. He notices when I sleep more than usual. He knows what’s up.

An Oldie but a Goodie from 2006

Just re-read this email this morning. I had sent it to a friend back in 2006, describing my normal morning with my then 3 y.o., 5 y.o., and dog.

…This morning is a perfect example. Had the kids and dog. Woke up and had a good workout. Got the kids up and settled with their breakfast. Took a shower. Cut shower short to deal with 3 y.o. who peed her pants. Get everyone dressed. Get everyone to brush teeth. Deal with 3 y.o. who suddenly realizes she didn’t eat all of her Froot Loops(tm) and is devastated that I threw them out. Get everyone’s coats on, shoes on, and walk up the stairs, all while ignoring crying and whining, and having to threaten to leave said 3 y.o. at home alone if she doesn’t comply with orders. Calm down the barking dog. Think about how much my upstairs neighbours must hate me. Open the door and see that it’s raining. Run back down stairs to get boots and rain coats. Get kids out the door, find the dog who was next door at this point, and get everyone buckled into the car. Drive 5 minutes to Tim Horton’s to drop the kids with the sitter. Explain to 3 y.o. 300 times that she will not be getting any food at Tim Horton’s, no matter that she didn’t eat all of her cereal or any of her yogourt. Squelch feelings of being a bad mother, starving my child like that. Drop kids with the sitter. Drive car over to the street the house (which I still owned with my ex at the time) is on, park the car, and walk dog up to house. Drop dog off, inform ex that I will need car tonight again. Get on streetcar and go to work.