Mentally F____ed

I am usually an excellent sleeper. There are many people I have known over the years who are light sleepers, and I feel sorry for them. If sleeping was an Olympic sport, I would take home Gold every time. But not tonight.

When I am upset about something or toward someone, I talk it out. Arguably I talk too much but the end result is resolution and moving on. I don’t cut people out of my life; though I do reduce their influence on mine by cutting down the amount of time spent with them at least temporarily.

Is cutting all ties a sign of maturity? Self preservation? What about when that applies to family? I’ve never been able to answer this, but I do know that we don’t have as much time on this earth as we think we do. For example I was upset at my father and I held tightly onto my grudge, thinking that before too long he and I would talk it out. I just needed a little more time and then when I was ready I would get in touch with him. And then he up and died on us. He was just 55, dead from a heart attack. These things happen. People die before we are ready for it.

The lesson I learned (of many) from my father’s death is that cutting someone out of my life completely is short sighted at best. The act of heading off in a huff because you feel you aren’t being heard/supported/loved the way you want to be loved is narcissistic and childish no matter your chronological age. I don’t do this anymore and haven’t since just after my father died. There’s a period of adjustment after a parent dies; you might have feelings of paranoia, enlightenment and impulsiveness, determined not to ‘waste’ any more of your life on petty events and small ideas. Or, at least that was my experience. I realized also that I’m not special or unique. Everyone must shovel through a pile of crap to become a fully evolved adult. It’s true. And everyone must acknowledge that the struggle is real for everyone else too, not just ourselves.

While you’re off hugging your self-righteousness and self-indulgence to sleep, I’ll be over here, trying not to feel exasperated.

Youth is wasted on the young and wisdom is wasted on the old.